Monday, October 18, 2010

The Weekly Reader

The Weekly Reader was better than anything.  My teacher would drop these on our desks and keep us quiet for 10, 20 minutes, 'cept for Irvin who wouldn't read anything.

Below is a quick review of the 
Weekly Reader 
Encyclopedia of Knowledge

Acid Rain - You are going to die because of industrial production.  All the planet's water is so polluted that raindrops sear human skin, destroy waterways and kill fish, leading to the death of bears, ultimately ending up with the planet being destroyed in a cataclysmic riot of humans, each fighting to consume the last teaspoon of potable water.

Air pollution - Our atmosphere (which we must share with Poland) is becoming clogged with so many microscopic particles that in only a few short decades each human will shortly after birth undergo surgery to install a filtered air breathing tube through the neck into the trachea.  Every living American will spend the rest of his days tied to our limited / recycled / refiltered breathable air supply that will be controlled by elected officials in Washington D.C.  Warning - Canadian air is too cold for Americans to safely breath and Mexican air smells like Pancho's Mexican Buffet.

Central American Communists - The dominoes are falling and the communists will soon take over Mexico soon to marching across the playground of Vivian Fowler Elementary.  Jane Fonda will be leading the way.

Chinese Aggression - They march in parades not to see who has the prettiest Christmas Queen but to see who has the biggest missile.  Overcompensating, gun-totin' reds.

Communism Domino Theory - If he's small with dark skin, eats rice with fish and has a hot sister he must be a communist or at least a communist sympathizer like that big hairy hippie eating the Big Mac.

Flooding - don't worry about it - Although White Oak Creek floods every time it rains and the Sulphur River floods yearly, the worse that can happen in MP is the sewage system being overwhelmed by the rain.

French Communists - Not to worry, have some wine.

Global Cooling - Yeah right, Weak Reader.  Never spent a summer in North East Texas have you ?

Honey Bee Extinction - No more bees, no more honey. Take heart though, you will still be able to buy Honeycomb.

Ice - The Ultimate Disaster

Land Pollution - Always pick up trash in the yard, also from the gutter if you're mowing the lawn that day and from Grandpa's cow pasture.  Just toss those feed bags and hay bale strings into the gully with those old bottles.  Eventually, Old Joe the mule will have to plow again so that we can eat but the dirt won't grow anything.  Grandpa poisoned with arsenic back in the Depression (1929+) so we're all gonna get sick and die from cucumbers.

Nuclear War - Devastates America with radiation when the communists in Russia / Soviet Union first-strike and they will because they hate us for not letting them put missiles in Cuba and because we insist on being paid for grain even though they're having trouble with their wheat crop because of acid rain from Chicago and the pollution in the Great Lakes.

Nuclear Winter - Lasts for decades.. Always follows Nuclear War which it will surely be necessary for America to start if the Soviets don't start it first. People will be living in caves or in the fallout shelters that your parents would dig in the backyard if they were responsible citizens. If America doesn't build enough nuclear weapons to scare the commies, Nuclear Winter is the result.

Overpopulation - So many babies are being born that the farmer of tomorrow, except those living in Epcot Center, will be unable to keep up with the demand for food.  The Soviet Union will probably launch nuclear weapons in the effort to steal America's food supply but the President will protect you if you follow Disaster Protocol by filing calmly out of the classroom, forming a neat line facing the hallway lockers, kneeling down and covering your head with your hands.

Toxic Waste - Damned if you do, Damned if you don't.  Humanities energy supply will soon dwindle into nothingness. Not even light will escape. We can get enough energy from nuclear power but the nuclear energy plants are going to kill us all - Not the plants in Russia, France, or Springfield but the plants being planned by evil Americans.  Those thin metal drums of green, glowing waste have already been dumped into harbors and it's only a matter of time before rust cuts a few holes and the oceans become a boiling soup of radioactive great white sharks that can walk on land.

Vietnam War - Will never end in my lifetime plus I'll be drafted on my 18th birthday.  It's all Nixon's fault.

Water pollution - see Acid Rain (be sure to warn Grandma if the minnow pool has bubbles near the edge because this is a sure sign that the steel mill's of Pennsylvania are causing trouble in Texas.)

Killer Bees - These insects will inevitably invade North America and the USA because Mexican scientists weren't smart enough to stop them at the border.  The queen killer bee will be the first insect president.  All hail the great Kate Jackson.

Fresh Water Extinction - Acid rain combined with the sinkholes from dried up aquifers will force man to tow slowly melting icebergs to Galveston so the football team will have enough water for the turf at Sam Parker Field which is why the new Sam Parker has artificial turf.

Next Month 
Polar Bears Shedding Fur
Due To Global Warming
The only animals alive in 2011
will be living in zoos


"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
-- Douglas Adams (1952-2001) English writer, dramatist Source: Last Chance to See, 1989

"I begin to think, that a calm is not desirable in any situation in life.... Man was made for action and for bustle too, I believe." -- Abigail Adams (1744-1818) wife of John Adams
Source: letter to her sister, Mary Smith Cranch, 1784

"The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience." -- Harper Lee (1926- ) American author, 1960 Pulitzer Prize winning novelist for 'To Kill A Mockingbird'

"The more laws the more offenders." -- Dr. Thomas Fuller (1608-1661) English clergyman, writer Source: Gnomologia, 1732

"It is when power is wedded to chronic fear that it becomes formidable." -- Eric Hoffer
(1902-1983) American author, philosopher, awarded Presidential Medal of Freedom
Source: The Passionate State of Mind, 1954

"The meaning of peace is the absence of opposition to Socialism." -- Karl Marx
(1818-1883) German philosopher, father of Communism, co-author of the 'Communist Manifesto'

"The statesman who should attempt to direct private people in what manner they ought to employ their capitals, would ... assume an authority which could safely be trusted, not only to no single person, but to no council or senate whatever, and which would nowhere be so dangerous as in the hands of a man who had folly and presumption enough to fancy himself fit to exercise it." -- Adam Smith (1723-1790) Scottish philosopher and economist Source: An Inquiry into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations, 1776

"Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what you want them to achieve, and they will surprise you with their ingenuity." -- General George S. Patton, Jr. (1885-1945)

"Many laws as certainly make bad men, as bad men make many bad laws." -- Walter Savage Landor (1775-1864) Source: Imaginary Conversations, 1829


Statue of Liberty Principles of Liberty

The Cato Institute stands in defense of the traditional American principles of individual liberty, limited government, free markets, and peace. Cato's scholars emphasize the due influence the Declaration of Independence and Constitution should have in the public policy debate and the importance of preserving the basic liberties that are the foundation of a free society. 



No comments:

Post a Comment