Texas Declares War on the USA
Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Obama," a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joes Crab Shack in Houston-Texas, an' I'm a-callin' to tell yal that we are officially declarin' war on ya'll!"
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation, "there is me, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That's eight."
Obama paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git us some infantry equipment!"
"What equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
"We have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I'll tell you Archie, I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to 1 & 1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Lord have mercy", said Archie, "I'll get back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. " Ok, war's still on! We got airborne! We up an' modified Harolds's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns, and four boys from the Legion joined us, too!"
Barack was silent for a minute, then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie, I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Oh Lordy," said Archie, "l'll have at call you back."
Archie called again the next day. " Mr. Prez, we had to call off this here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack. "Why the change of heart?"
Well," said Archie, "we sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a 6-pack, and come to see there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners."
The Sheer Nightgown....
A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.